Being Resolute

 

Happy New Year!  Since I have the honor of welcoming in the glorious new annum I thought I might provide some Resolutions for Writers.  Not for me, of course.  Perfection is for the gods alone and I already come so dangerously close I could be accused of hubris.  These tips are for the rest of you. 

* None of my characters will be shot in the shoulder and act as if it were a mosquito bite.

* None of my female characters will use their Feminine Wiles to get information they could have received just by asking, unless such behavior  is one of their characteristics.

* None of my present-day characters will go into a dangerous situation without a working cell phone or a damned good explanation of why they had none.

* None of my stories will switch from present to past tense and back again, or first to third person ditto, without a good reason.

* None of the following words will appear in the final draft without being savagely interrogated and forced to defend their existence: suddenly, very, just, had, got.

* Villains will not explain their evil plot to captured heroes without a damned good reason. 

* None of my characters will smile, smirk, or grimace their dialog, because those words describe facial expressions, not ways of speaking.  (Sneer gets a pass.)

* No headhopping.  "George thought Frank was lying. Frank wondered if George thought he was lying.  George wondered what Frank was thinking. Alice wondered why the narrator didn't pick a goddamn lane."

* My hero will not be knocked unconscious at a convenient moment.

* My characters will not hiss a sentence with no S in it.

* A supernatural event in my story will not have a rational explanation - and then be Overturned By Something Spooky, The End.

* If I have five characters I will not name them Mary, Marv, Mark, Mike, and Mickey.

* I will not let a day go by without doing something to promote mystery short fiction, my own, or others. 

By the way, I have committed at least two of these abominations, but I swear I am reformed now.

Any additions? 

Being Resolute

by Robert Lopresti

(The pictures in this column are intended to point out something incredibly cool.  The British Library just placed more than one million illustrations from their books on Flickr.  All public domain, yours to use at will.  Wow!)

Back in 2009 I blogged  a list of New Year's Resolutions.  Last year I did it again, but that time I generously made a list for various fictional characters, hoping to improve their lives.

Well, it appears that my turn in the barrel is New Year's Day so I can't resist the chance to do it again, but this time instead of advising characters I am going to offer some useful suggestions to their creators.  I trust you will add a few in the Comments section.  If you don't I will assume you are too badly hungover to function and send someone to your house to preach temperance.  So be warned.

Horror movie writers hereby resolve not to let their characters split up when they know they are in danger, unless it has already been established that they are idiots.

Chic Lit writers resolve not to their characters use their devious feminine wiles to get something they could have just by asking, unless a point is being made about their personality.

Private eye writers resolve to get their heroes' sociopathic sidekicks some therapy. 

Noir writers resolve to remember that to be noir a work must  include crime, not merely be depressing.

Cozy writers resolve to remember that murderers need motives.

Humourous writers resolve to be funny (I'm lookin' at you, Lopresti).

Police procedural writers resolve to prevent their officers from doing things that would get their cases kicked out of court, unless it is established that they are aware of the danger.


Suspense writers resolve to admit that not every criminal has a super-intellect and obscenely good luck.

Thriller writers resolve to consider the possibility that ninety percent of all conspiracies consist of one dummy screwing up and a lot of smart people making a mess trying to hide it.

Courtroom drama writers  resolve to  occasionally show a judge who doesn't hate the  hero.

Any other suggestions?

Being Resolute, Third Person

by Robert Lopresti

January 2 seems like a good day to make New Year's Resolutions.  Not for me of course.  If I got any closer to perfection I might be carried bodily off to heaven, and then poor David would have to blog every Wednesday.  But since it is better to give than to receive I have developed some resolutions for other people.  I hope they take them to heart.

Sherlock Holmes resolves to lay off the 7% solution.

Miss Marple resolves to patent her formula for removing bloodstains from hand-knitted woolens.

KInsey Milhone resolves to join the twenty-first century.

Jack Reacher resolves to buy a second pair of underpants.

John Dortmunder resolves to stick to the straight and narrow, as soon as he can steal a compass.

Doctor Watson resolves to write a piece for a medical journal about the curious case of his ever-moving wound.

The Black Widowers Club resolves to get through one damned meeting without investigating a mystery.


Nero Wolfe resolves not to work so hard, and to spend more time at home.

Perry Mason resolves to let the D.A win one for once.

Father Brown, Lieutenant Columbo, Parker, and Spenser all resolve to get first names.

Archie Goodwin resolves to memorize the address of the brownstone where he has been living for forty years.

Trompie Kramer and Mickey Zondi resolve to stay the hell away from Winnie Mandela.

Hawk, Win Horne Lockwood III, Joe Pike, and Snake resolve to form a Union of Sociopathic Sidekicks, and demand  better treatment.

The boys at the 87th Precinct resolve to make a list of all variations of  "The Deaf Man" in all romance languages, so they'll recognize his pseudonym if the bastard shows up again.

Professor Moriarity resolves to avoid chills, such as may be found on Alpine hills.

Sam Spade resolves not to play the sap for you.

Suggestions?