By strange coincidence, I’m also emceeing the awards
on May 23. Which goes to show how truly
confusing we can be in Canada. Because
you see, in days of yore (ten to three years ago) I was the one organizing the
gala, along with a team of truly wonderful but sweetly innocent individuals who
had no idea what they were signing up for.
The short list announcement yesterday got me
thinking about my first time organizing the event. I believe this may have also been my first
post on Sleuthsayers. Yes, that many
years ago. Time for a revisit. Warning: This is nonfiction. I swear.
MURDER AT THE CRIME WRITING AWARDS
Okay, I haven’t done it yet. But I may soon.
I’m the Executive Director of a well-known crime
writing association. This means I am
also responsible for the Arthur Ellis Awards, Canada’s annual crime writing
awards night, and the resulting banquet.
I’ve planned hundreds of special events in my career
as a marketing professional. I’ve
managed conferences with 1000 people attending, scarfing down three meals a
day. Usually, we offer a few choices,
and people choose what they want. They’re pretty good about that. People sit where they want. Simple.
Granted, most of my events have been with lab techs,
doctors, nurses, and other health care professionals.
It is not the same with authors. Nothing is simple with authors.
THE SEATING ARRANGEMENT
A can’t sit with B,
because A is in competition with B for Best Novel. C can’t sit with D because C is currently
outselling D. E can’t sit with F because
they had an affair (which nobody knows about.
Except they do. At least, the
seven people who contacted me to warn me about this knew.) G can’t sit with H
because G’s former agent is at that table and they might kill each other. And everyone wants to sit with J.
THE MENU
The damned meal is
chicken. This is because we are allowed
two choices and we have to provide for the vegetarians. We can’t have the specialty of the house, lamb,
because not everyone eats lamb. We can’t
have salmon as the vegetarian choice, because some vegetarians won’t eat fish.
So we’re stuck with
chicken again.
P writes that her
daughter is lactose intolerant. Can she
have a different dessert?
K writes that she is
vegetarian, but can’t eat peppers. Every
damned vegetarian choice has green or red pepper in it.
L writes that she wants
the chicken, but is allergic to onion and garlic. Can we make hers without?
M writes that her
daughter is a vegan, so no egg or cheese, thanks. Not a single vegetarian choice comes that
way.
I am quickly moving to
the “you’re getting chicken if I have to shove it down your freaking throat”
phase.
Chef is currently threatening the catering manager
with a butcher’s knife. I am already
slugging back the cooking wine. And by
the time people get here, this may be a Murder Mystery dinner.
Postscript:
Nobody got murdered, but a few got hammered.
Melodie Campbell’s caper novella The B-Team has been
shortlisted for the Arthur Ellis Award.
You can pick it up for a steal (sic) at Amazon, B&N, Chapters, and
all the usual suspects. Even Walmart,
because we’re a class act. Sometimes
even Zehrs. I’ll stop now.
The 'pee first' warning is given when humorous material follows. 'Nuf said.
