Santa, I have a complaint.
Put bluntly, you are simply not up to the task anymore.
In fact, I am going to suggest that if there IS a Santa, he is doing a terrible job and needs to be replaced.
Let me explain.
After the events of today, I'm about to propose a new category of writing award, one that has been previously overlooked. One that, at the very least, I feel would add great amusement to our field:
Unluckiest Author of the Year
(this is me)
Ideally, this would be a money-winning category, but no doubt if I won it, the cheque would be lost in the mail.
To wit:
Friends will remember that - exactly two years ago - the entire 2nd printing of my YA book Crime Club fell off a container ship into the Pacific Ocean (along with 17 other containers). Just in time for Christmas sales.
(Pass the scotch.)
Santa, we had a long talk about that.
This year, I've had a thrilling thing happen. I had a column in The Globe and Mail (Toronto and National editions) that was picked up by Reader's Digest for Canadian and World Rights. In addition, they asked me to write more for them. As one industry person put it, Reader's Digest is the "pinnacle archive of our times." So it was kind of a big deal, for me.
Headline in The Globe and Mail today:
READER'S DIGEST TO CLOSE ITS DOORS
(Pass the scotch.)
The column was to appear in the Feb. 2024 issue. I sent my invoice yesterday.
To be fair, the door that is closing is the Canadian issue. The column might still appear in Lichtenstein and Bolivia - who knows?
But I'm willing to bet all my royalties from the 2nd printing of Crime Club (ha-ha), that this invoice will go unpaid.
Really, Santa, can't you do something about all this bad stuff happening right before Christmas? I mean, one understands that there's no good time for bad things to happen.
BUT REALLY???
Have a heart, Big Guy! I'm starting to lose faith in you. Oh, what's that you say? Your goal is to give me 'spectacularly zany' material with which to continue my comedy career?
All I can say is, there better be a lot of scotch under the tree this year.
MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO EVERYONE!
The real me, before scotch.
