Kath: Have you got a
Kindle?
Me: Of course I have a Kindle!
Kath: Do you like it?
Me: It’s very
pretty. It has a pink cover. And it makes a great paperweight.
Kath: But do you
actually use it?
Me: I used it once as
a flashlight during a power outage.
Everyone should have one.
Kath: Why not get a
flashlight for that?
Me: Flashlights make
lousy paperweights. They roll off the
table.
I am a Dinosaurette. In
spite of that, I have a Kindle. It
wasn’t my idea. People keep foisting
them on me at Christmas. It’s the 21st
century version of fruitcake.
Not only that, they multiply. The first died within months, probably from
neglect (I didn’t kill it – honest.) The
second was a prize from my publisher for top sales. I also have a Kobo. It was a Christmas present. It’s around here somewhere.
As you can see, I am not addicted to my Kindle. In fact, it is my opinion you have to be
barking to be emotionally attached to a slab of machinery that displays
words. That would be like being addicted
to a printing press.
But Lord Thunderin’ Jesus, how I am addicted to books! Real
books, that is. I see a pile of books on my bedside table, and I get
excited. (Men, take note.)
Oh, the delight of holding a real book in your hand. The tactile feel of the paper, the visual
lure of the cover… And the smell of the glue that binds each little paper
together…(minty is best)
Bliss.
The trouble with an eReader is that every story you are reading
on it looks and feels exactly the same.
And that changes the experience for me.
I realize that a lot of people love to read on Kindles. I might even like some of them (people. Not
Kindles.) But I highly suspect they are
the same sort of people who actually like salad.
Thankfully, there are alternate uses for eReaders. (If you
like salad, stop reading NOW.)
BAD GIRL’S USES FOR A KINDLE:
- Kindling. (okay, not really, despite the similar sounding name. Probably not the best way to start a fire. A Samsung phone is much better.)
- Murder weapon. (Whack the cheating bastard over the head with it. Continue whacking and alternately reading from 50 Shades. That should do it.)
- Frisbee. (see Murder weapon above.)
- Hockey puck (I live in Canada, eh.)
- Dog Toy (leatherette covers works best for this.)
- Fly-swatter (editor’s note: works great on spiders)
- Plus all the obvious uses: flashlight, paperweight, hot pad, furniture shim, bookmark, ruler, rolling pin, cutting board, door stop.
Finally, I would like to point out that you can’t decorate
with Kindles. “Oh look at that
beautiful bookcase of Kindles, Gladys!” said no one, ever.
Melodie Campbell got her start writing standup. People usually sit down to read her funny books. Sometimes they fall down. The latest:
