Recently, I was talking to a writer who was feeling overwhelmed. She was seeking advice about how to accomplish all the projects she had committed to while taking advantage of all the opportunities coming her way.
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| Michael and Temple. |
Clearly, I’m not the person to ask for relationship advice, but my career advice isn’t too far off the mark.
Sometimes having a successful writing career involves sacrifices. For many writers, the sacrifices are simple: rising early each day to write before the rest of the family awakens, giving up hours of television each evening to revise rough drafts, or spending lunch hours researching esoteric murder methods for future projects.
Sometimes, though, the sacrifices are more emotionally fraught. Many of us have responsibilities that demand our attention—children, spouses, pets, day jobs, and more—and giving them less attention than they deserve is not often a wise decision, either emotionally or financially.
And more problematic is having a significant other, family members, or friends who do not support the dream and who do not understand the dedication required to achieve even a moderate level of success. What then?
Some writers put their dream on hold for several years while coping with real life, returning to it once their children are grown and out of the house, they have experienced a change in significant other, they have a new circle of friends, and/or they have retired from a day job.
But a dream delayed is too often a dream abandoned. How many would-be writers reach the end of their lives and wonder what could have been if they had just awoken half an hour early each day to write, if they had occasionally opted out of lunch with work colleagues to dive down the rabbit hole in search of the perfect poison, or if they had attended a writing lecture at the local library instead of watching yet another rerun of Law & Order.
By then, it’s too late.
Do they then wonder if they should have followed my advice?
I hope not. Dedicating one’s life to one’s art while abandoning everything and everyone around you might lead to some level of success, but it won’t lead to a full life. One should strive to find a balance, a way to pursue one’s dreams all while maintaining a well-rounded life filled with family and friends. It won’t always be easy, but it will be worthwhile.
But don’t forget about the caffeine.
It’s the key to everything.
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dzp4gnxgWxc
ReplyDeleteI have no advice. I do know that I was lucky enough to have an incredibly supportive spouse. Going on without her, in so many ways including this one, has been, and continues to be, just flat out brutal hell.
ReplyDeleteNo advice, but that everyone has to figure out their own way to balance career and family - and I do mean balance, like a creaky seesaw. For the last couple of years, health concerns have taken up a lot of my time, so I've had to prioritize what writing I do. And that's okay - I don't want to come to the end of my life and say, "Well, I really screwed that one up. I should have been there for him when he was in the hospital, etc." And it generally works. I think back over the last 30 years and am amazed at what a wonderful writing career I've had, thanks to my personal mantra, "Anything is possible. Never give up."
ReplyDeleteYeah, the balancing act is hard, but I was very lucky. My ex-wife was a musician and understood the need for alone time, just like her practicing and continued lessons.
ReplyDeleteMy present wife is an actor who needs time to learn lines. She also published a few stories before we met, so she gets it too.
Actually, for me, the worst advice was the advice I didn't get, and didn't even know enough to ask for. As an English teacher, I knew how to construct a sentence and a paragraph, but I didn't understand how to construct a plot or control pacing. I never even heard about a synopsis or how to write a query letter until long after I'd sent out five complete novel manuscripts to an embarrassing number of publishers and agents.
Michael, I tell my students this: If you want to be a writer, you have to make it the third most important thing in your life. Number one is family. Number two is the day job. But number three must be your writing, ahead of everything else. Ahead of golf, exercise, travel, and every other thing.
ReplyDeleteIt's not always a simple equation. My husband freezes in place and goes silent when I raise my hand like a traffic cop and bark, "Writing!" not because he understands the process, but because after 48 years (anniversary of first date yesterday), he understands the agony. So he complies. That's supportive enough for me, considering he told me up front in our wedding vows that he was marrying me for my ability to spell. Today is his last day of work before retirement, and he will face new challenges in cohabiting with a writer, poor darling.
ReplyDeleteWise advice, Michael
ReplyDeleteMichael, in the past I thought about all the ways you first suggested to gain more writing time. Contemplated until my brain hurt...then I'd fix dinner, put air in a bike tire, sit up all night with a sick kiddie, cut the grass, etc. Never had time to get a lawyer, find an apartment, block out phone numbers. Then freer days evolved, kids on their own, ah...quiet house, write, write. But I answered the phone one day, said yes and then committed to golf..and then, and then. Dang, that ate up a few years. I complained a lot about not having enough time to write. My fault. Finally, my husband and I had enough 'fun', moved away to a near work free environment, gave up a lifestyle that provided tons of activities and said we'll only do what 'we' want. It worked for me to give up 'commitments'' for other people's happiness. Yes, I socialize but on a strict time budget. I think about tennis and golf occasionally-- can watch it if I get 'hungry'. Should'a, would'a, could'a---oh well, not healthy at all. I've found the best writer's life and I'll never be bored again. Success is a mindset. Oh, I'm still chef but it's a labor of love, too.
ReplyDeleteCheers, Wil
It was definitely harder to write seriously when my kids were younger. It wasn’t just about time, it was about brain space and exhaustion. Now that they’re teens/tweens they’re a lot more independent, but honestly, the moment that really made a difference for me was drawing a hard line with my work/life balance. I teach first grade, and the work doesn’t end when the last bus leaves. I always took work home…plans, papers to grade, etc. In 2021, things were a little different with virtual teaching so I was able to get most of my work done during the day. That year I wrote Rise, my first mystery/crime story, and that started a chain reaction that’s been a truly awesome ride. I don’t bring my work computer home anymore and unlinked my work email from my phone. That allows my (late, after kids are in bed) evenings to be free for writing. It’s worked out pretty well! Michael is right about making that sacrifice, though. I watch a LOT less TV than I did a few years ago…which is kind of a moot point because the kids control that thing anyway!—Ashley Bernier
ReplyDeleteCurrently my excuse for not writing is that my house is being renovated & I absolutely can't find anything. I need to look for my shampoo so I can wash my hair this afternoon! I'll think up another excuse soon enough! You're right though, caffeine helps a lot ... 😎
ReplyDeletePretty good bad advice. Thanks for a fun read.
ReplyDelete--Daniel C. Bartlett
Great advice. I wish I had followed it many, many years ago.
ReplyDeleteWell said! I tell my students that life isn't so much a see-saw as a wobble board--easy to get off-balance in any number of directions. As a physician, I do have to mention that abandoning good health habits is not your best bet for a long/productive/happy/healthy life. Get in a walk, stationary bike ride, visit to the gym most days - listen to an audiobook or one of a number of great writing podcasts (#AmWriting, Joanna Penn, Writing Excuses, many others) or one for research - and your exercise time can do double-duty. Get a standing desk, get a dog, and then get a clock that moves slower so you have more hours in a day :-)
ReplyDeleteTammy