Quick: What's wrong with this paragraph?
Logan turned onto Main Street and parked the car under a maple tree. He squinted his eyes against the sunset and saw Mary and Brown standing in front of the grocery store. Mary spoke and Brown nodded his head. He said something and she shrugged her shoulders. Finally Brown waved his hand and walked away. Mary turned to Logan and winked her eye. "I tried to warn you," he muttered.
Give up?
Well, for whatever other weaknesses it may have, it is 25% longer than it needs to be. The version below contains the same information and 18 fewer words:
Logan turned onto Main Street and parked under a maple. He squinted against the sunset and saw Mary and Brown in front of the grocery. Mary spoke and Brown nodded. He replied and she shrugged. Finally Brown waved and walked away. Mary turned to Logan and winked. "I warned you," he muttered.
As Will Strunk said: "Omit needless words. Omit needless words. Omit needless words."
Robert, your comment to Leigh yesterday reminds me of Robert Browning’s blunder in Pippa Passes. Reading an old manuscript, he saw reference to “an old nun’s wrinkled t—-. Thinking the word meant “hat,” he used it in the poem.
ReplyDeleteEdward Lodi
Edward, arguably Pippa succeeded in her larger purpose of positively influencing, in this case the reading audience itself.
DeleteFrederic Dannay, one half of Ellery Queen, once admonished that "shrugged" is enough since the only thing one CAN shrug is one's shoulders. But if you are reading The French Powder Mystery you will find, one-third of the way through the book, that Ellery shrugs his shoulders. Sic semper . . . .
ReplyDeleteAlways a slick simper to you too, Dale! I was thinking of you when writing Sunday's article.
DeleteWhile you can squint only with your eyes and shrug only with your shoulders, you can park more than a car. A bicycle, for instance. (I can't believe you--who loves to ride your bike--didn't consider that.) So I would have kept "the car." And I would have kept "store" too. "Grocery" as a noun without "store" after it bothers me. But since I'm not your editor on this column, you can just tell me to STET.
ReplyDeleteBarb, there are days I woiuld like to tell everyone to STET. Thanks for the input.
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