It's rerun season! 
I dug into the archives, and found my third ever column for Sleuthsayers, from NINE YEARS AGO, to the month.
It
also happens to be a favourite of mine (which usually points to loopy
comedy.) There have been ten books since The Goddaughter's Revenge,
would you believe.
Book tours are expensive. You travel around to independent book stores and you sell some books and sign them.
It’s fun. You meet a lot of great people. But it’s expensive. And I’m not talking about the hotel bill and the bar tab.
I should have just stayed in the bar. It was leaving the bar that become expensive.
Nice
night. We decided to go for a walk. It was dark, but I had on my
brand new expensive progressive eye-glasses, so not a problem, right?
One second I was walking and talking. The next, I was flying through the air.
Someone screamed.
WHOMP. (That was me, doing a face plant.)
“OHMYGOD! Are you okay?” said my colleague.
I was clearly not okay. In fact, I was splat on the sidewalk and could not move.
“Fine!” I yelled into the flagstone. “I’m Fine!”
I tried to lift my head. Ouch.
“That must have hurt,” said someone helpfully.
I write about a mob Goddaughter. So I know a bit about mob take-outs. It may come in handy.
A crowd had gathered. Not the sort of crowd that gently lifts you off the ground. More the sort of crowd that gawks.
“Couldn’t figure out why you were running ahead of us.” My colleague shook his head.
I wasn’t running. I was tripping and falling.
“That sidewalk is uneven. Your heel must have caught on it.”
No shit, Sherlock.
By now I had tested various body parts. Knees were numb. Hands, scraped. Chin, a little sore.
But
here’s the thing. I hit in this order: knees, tummy, boobs, palms. My boobs cushioned the fall and saved my face.
Yes, this was going through my mind as I pushed back with my tender palms to balance on my bloody knees.
“Ouch!” I said. No, that’s a lie. I said something else.
I
stood up. Surveyed the damage. My knees were a bloody mess, but the
dress survived without a scratch. It was made in China, of course. Of
plastic.
The crowd was dispersing. But the pain wasn’t over.
Next day, I hobbled to the clinic. The doctor, who probably isn’t old enough to drive a car, shook his head.
“Progressive
glasses are the number one reason seniors fall. They are looking
through the reading part of their glasses when they walk, and can’t see
the ground properly.”
Seniors? I’ve still got my baby fat.
“Get some distance-only glasses,” he advised.
So I did. Another 350 bucks later, I have a third pair of glasses to carry around in my purse.
Which means my purse isn’t big enough.
So I need to buy a new purse.
And that’s why book tours are so expensive.
Melodie
Campbell is an infant Sleuthsayer, and this is her third column. She
writes comedies (No shit, Sherlock.) You can find them at
www.melodiecampbell.com and all the usual book places.
Update! Melodie Campbell is a veteran Sleuthsayer now, with seventeen books and a few more years on the bod. Might even admit to being a senior now, if a senior means over 55. Hope to be around to rerun this humour column in another nine years. Hope you are too!
(cartoon of me with offending shoes)
Still hilarious! And still true!
ReplyDeleteThanks Eve! I repeated this athleticism last year, on uneven paving stones at the condo. Perhaps it should be an Olympic sport?
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely! Although I suspect that Monty Python did a sketch on it decades ago...
ReplyDeleteI've been tackled by a sidewalk or two. Generally, the pride hurts as much as anything. And, the immediate answer to any fall is "I am fine." The damage will be estimated later.
ReplyDeleteRT, I recently read that you know you are old if you fall and instead of laughing, people rush to help you. I am graduating.
DeletePerhaps you should add that your latest fall included having the sprinkler system come on and douse you while you were still on the ground. I wasn't there but I understand it added to the levity.
ReplyDeleteAnd here I thought I was going to get away without having that one mentioned! grin. Being soaked to the skin while rolling on the ground with an audience does rather distract one from doing a tally of the most recent injuries...
DeleteFun post! And yeah, the sidewalk usually wins any tussle.
ReplyDeleteYou sound like a veteran in those wars, Bob! smile - thanks for commenting.
ReplyDeleteI'm laughing, but laughing with you, not at you! That baby doctor you saw is right. I used to have no-line bifocals & when the time came for new glasses, I made sure to get a pair of distance-only glasses & a pair of reading glasses. I've fallen but it was in my own kitchen. I broke my hip & didn't realize it until 2-1/2 weeks later.
ReplyDeleteYikes, about the kitchen fall! Hope you recovered completely from that. I find the reading part of these progressives is not very useful. You have to hold you head in an exact position in order to be able to read, and it's rather tiring. May follow your lead, Elizabeth.
ReplyDelete