Resolutions

by Leigh Lundin

For our special brand of readers…

Paranoiac Resolutions

1. I'll no longer waste my time reliving the past; I'll spend it seeking revenge.
2. I'll channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.
3. I'll assume full responsibility for my actions, except when it's someone else's fault.
4. I need not suffer in silence while I can still whine, whimper, and stalk my persecutors.
5. I know forgiveness is blessed, but not nearly as satisfying as vengeance.
6. I'll strive to live each day as if it were my enemies' last.
7. When insulted, I'll honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of silly laws.
8. As I let go of feelings of guilt, I'll channel my inner sociopath.
9. I'll gladly share wisdom, for there are no sweeter words than "Gotcha!"
10. I'll discover a scapegoat is almost as good as a solution.
11. A complete lack of evidence is the surest proof a conspiracy is under way.
12. I am at one with my duality.

A New Year's Poem
(Velma author unknown)

T'was the week after Christmas and all through the house,
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.

I recalled the meals I had to prepare,
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rare,
The cookies I nibbled, the eggnog I taste.
All the holiday parties had gone to my waist.

When I climbed on the scales, there arose such a number!
The trip through the mall, less a walk than a lumber.
The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese,
Never once had I protested, "No, none for me, please."

As I dressed again in my husband's old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt,
I said to myself, as only I can,
"You can't spend this year wearing duds of a man!"

Away with the last of the sour cream onion dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every candy and chip.
Every ounce of snacks I like must be banished
Till all the kilos and pounds again have vanished.

I won't have a cookie, not even a lick.
I'll allow myself one celery stick.
I won't have hot toddies, or ice cream, or pie.
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.

I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore.
But isn't that what January is for?

New Year Notes

Happy new year, one and all. We start 2012 with our 107^th article and continue featuring fourteen top crime writers. Janice retired at the end of the year, so we'll announce Thursday's co-columnist shortly.

This has been a good year for us and for me personally. I don't make resolutions, but I pave the road with good intentions. It's said an optimist stays up past midnight to see the new year in, while a pessimist waits up to make certain the old year leaves. Some of us are simply insomniacs.

Happy New Year!