Together alone.

            It’s received wisdom that writers are the world’s most inveterate introverts.  Who else could spend hours, days, years alone hunched over a keyboard or pad of paper?  It’s so obvious.  Most normal human beings couldn’t stand it.  Which is why most normal human beings don’t become writers, for their own sakes. 

            And yet, most of the mystery and thriller writers I know are more than agreeably sociable.  If you want proof, just hang out at the rambunctious hotel bar during Bouchercon, or any of the regional writers conferences that take place around the country. 

            Thinking about this, I was reminded of my college era playing in a rock and roll band.  We performed constantly throughout the school year.  After a while, some patterns

I'm hoping a guest singer will remember the lyrics

emerged.  Parties contrived to bring dispirit groups together took forever to get rolling, while the close-knit communities, like fraternities and sororities, launched on the first chord.  Thursdays often produced wilder nights than Saturday or Sunday.  I’m not sure why, unless it was anticipation of the coming weekend, or the thrill of rebellion – launching youthful mania while there was still a day of classes in the offing.  

Another high point was the first party after the end of exams.  Our college had a disproportionate number of pre-med and pre-law students, people we rarely saw during the passing months, having sequestered themselves in feverish study.  But after exams, with nothing left to prove, they’d emerge, pasty and unclean, and go completely nuts.  Their undeveloped social skills didn’t help, nor did a deep unfamiliarity with the plentiful intoxicants available at the time. 

So it could be that writers are a lot like college kids who spend their undergraduate years, and their parent’s tuition money, actually studying (I held down the other end of that curve).  Since we’re biologically pack animals, long periods of time isolated from human contact probably creates a pent-up demand.  A chance to re-engage ones vocal cords after hours in monkish silence.  An irresistible need to satisfy the intraspecies fellowship programmed into our DNA.

        That’s probably true, but I think an even greater impetus is mingling with people who do the same thing you do.  As with any reference group, be it police chiefs or philatelists, common experience short-circuits all the meandering, and stilted, searches for common ground that characterize social interaction.  Blessedly, when hanging with writers we don’t have to parry the usual inane questions, like “Have you written anything I heard of?” or “When are they going to make a movie out of your book?”  None of us is really very interested in the other’s childhood inspirations, choice of writing software, or process, whatever the hell that means.  In fact, most of my casual conversations with writers have absolutely nothing to do with writing at all.  Sometimes the travails of promotion come up, or an impending book launch, or a new project/agent/publisher, but usually we just talk about our kids and dogs, and recent vacations, just like everyone else. 

Still, I think common sense dictates that writers lean toward introversion, though there are plenty of exceptions.  Somehow a monstruous, flaming ego like Earnest Hemingway managed to win the Nobel Prize for Literature.  As did Winston Churchill, no one’s idea of a wall flower.  I could easily provide a list of mystery and thriller writers who could have

succeeded as standups or late-night talk show hosts (though Johnny Carson was, in fact, an introvert; deviations litter every argument.)  The most flamboyant of my closest friends started out his career as a freelance journalist.  I imagine someone had to strap him into his chair until the article was finished. 

Introverts do have one clear advantage.  While extroverts are shaking hands, kissing cheeks and angling for attention, introverts are watching the room.  They notice little slights and flirtations, they size up personalities and sniff out phony posturing.  Their nerves tingle from the social dynamic, registering envy, vanity and lust.  All of this gets stored away on mental file cards for future use.

        Most of the writers I know fit this description, yet they have a small contingent of people to whom they are very attached.  They prefer to go deep rather than wide.  I’ll cop to being one of those. 

We can turn it on when we need to, then quietly slip back to the keyboard. 

Spam and Scam • part 1

Spot and Stop • How to Recognize Scams and Cons

Frauds and scams traditionally preyed by using and abusing trust, blinding the ‘mark’ to criminal reality. Today’s fraudsters are armed with powerful new tools like AI voice cloning, deepfake videos, and hyper-personalized messages.

The result? Losses are soaring. North Americans reported over $12.5 billion in fraud losses in 2024, with imposter scams topping the list and investment fraud causing the biggest financial losses. A recent 2026 survey found 40% of adults experienced some form of financial fraud or scam attempt in the past year.

I am one of those targets as are you and you and you. No one is immune, young or old, tech-savvy or not.

Damage extends beyond financial. Scammers don’t merely steal money; they erode confidence, they damage trust. By knowing most common tactics and defenses can keep you and your loved ones safe.

Top Scams Making Headlines

Imposter scams remain the most frequently reported. Fraudsters pose as banks, government agencies (IRS, Social Security), law enforcement, or trusted companies. They create urgency with fake alerts about ‘suspicious activity’ or ‘frozen accounts’, then pressure targets to transfer funds or share login details or withdraw funds to unmask ‘real’ criminals. Losses from these schemes recently reached $3 billion.

AI enhanced scams are exploding. Initially voice cloning hid Indian or North African accents. Now voice technology lets scammers sound like a grandchild or family member in a crisis, demanding immediate wire transfers or gift cards to alleviate a concocted emergency. On the internet, deepfake videos and emails impersonate celebrities pushing fake investments.

Investment and cryptocurrency scams promise ‘guaranteed’ high returns. Romance phishing scams blend emotional manipulation with financial finagling, building online relationships before inventing crises or ‘opportunities’ that require a quick transfer of money. Employment scams flood job boards and social media with fake offers that ask for upfront fees or personal data.

Online shopping and marketplace frauds trick buyers with too-good-to-be-true deals, while recovery scams target past victims, promising to retrieve lost funds– for another fee. (Chances are your state or province tracks unclaimed funds. Google them. In my state, it’s known as Florida Treasure Hunt.)

On a Personal Level

Most of the time, my phone filters spam and scam calls, but once in a while I snatch up the phone whereupon I encounter a scammer. Sometimes I mess with them. Say IRS agent Marty Melrose (badge number 123456) informs me via this courtesy call before my account entered collections. Marty has a soothing Indian accent, a break from obvious computer generated spiels. Frankly, I am mildly surprised how much scammers know about me, but Agent Marty rapidly gets to the gist of the matter, ‘confirming’ my social security number.

I said, “Okay.”

After several seconds of silence, he said, “Sir, I need to confirm your SSN.”

“Okay,” I said. “I’m waiting.”

“You have to read it to me,” he said.

“I know what my number is. I need to hear it from you.”

“That’s not how it works.”

“You want me to blab my social in a room full of people? That’s not going to happen.” No one else was nearby, but he didn’t need to know that.

“Listen, by law, you have to give me your number. Evasiveness can result in arrest and criminal charges.”

“Nope. Not gonna happen.”

Marty becomes more abusive and threatening, declaring federal agents will appear on my doorstep within 30 minutes to arrest me. I laugh. I swear I hear his headset smash against his desk before disconnection.

And then…

Several evenings ago, my phone rings, showing my bank’s name on caller ID. The man on the other end purports to be my bank following up on suspicious card activity. He rattles off several large purchases in Texas.

This has happened before, usually from the credit card company, not my little bank. Typically they verify recent purchases, but this time the caller asks for my on-line banking ID.

I’m not suspicious at that point, but I automatically decline to state my logon credentials. He presses on, insisting I reveal my ID.

More curious than concerned, I don’t know what to make of it. My ID isn’t secret information, is it? He says if they can’t resolve this now, my cards and accounts will be blocked and suspended by morning. Nonetheless, I refuse and opt to phone my bank when they reopen.

Sure enough, no alerts, no blocks, no suspicious activity… except that out-of-the-blue phone call. What the hell is going on? He didn’t ask for passwords or identifying information. And then it dawns on me.

I have long been an opponent of so-called ‘security questions,’ queries asking where you went to high school, your mother’s maiden name, and your first pet. I argue these are insecurity questions. In this backwards situation, the scammer knew– or thought he could guess– one or more answers to my security questions to bypass the passphrase and face recognition. All he needed was my user name!

Hint: Never ever place honest answers in those security questions and, if offered, never answer your favorite color.

• Where did you attend high school?
• Sod off.
• What was your high school’s mascot?
• Sod off.
• Who was your high school sweetheart?
• Sod off.
• Who’s your daddy?
• Sod of… huh?

And then…

I previously discussed a friend’s ordeal when money unexpectedly appeared in her Chase account. Not treating it as a gratuitous windfall, she visited the local branch, which shrugged and said someone had given her money. And then I heard about it, a known scam. Chase Bank still contends they’re not at fault, the lying rotters.

More recently, she received a work-at-home job offer from a Swedish company. She was excited to be interviewed, tested, and accepted. They sent her a sizable check to set up a home office.

Sour and dour me? Even after I confirmed the company and the HR VP’s name were real, I remained suspicious. But the check they sent her? Not so real. They would, I suspected, soon instruct her to send part of that money elsewhere. I advised her not to deposit it (which could take weeks to fully resolve), but to ask her bank to verify it (which took mere minutes).

Next Time: Practical Protection

Stealing the Show

Here's a look into my fascinating personal life: There are groups of folks I talk with pretty regularly about things like reading, writing, and movies--and those groups often, but not always, overlap. My point is, the other day our little movie group was chatting about our favorite characters. The discussion soon moved to favorite heroes/heroines, favorite villains, favorite sidekicks, and so on.

Finally one lady said, "Let's simplify it. Which ones are the most memorable?"

I, of course, can't let something like that go to waste. After all, I have a duty to post a SleuthSayers column every first, third, and fifth Saturday, rain or shine, and I know a good subject when I hear one.

So, since movies are a type of fiction and this blog's supposed to be about fiction . . . that's the first of today's two questions: Who do you think are the most memorable movie characters?

Before you answer, here are my own top ten:

Note to my friend Elizabeth Zelvin, who will say "John, these are mostly 'guy movies.'": You're right, Liz--but not ALL of them are . . .

1. Augustus McCrea (Robert Duvall, Lonesome Dove)

2. Al Swearengen (Ian McShane, Deadwood)

3. Ellen Ripley (Sigourney Weaver, Aliens)

4. Snake Plissken (Kurt Russell, Escape from New York)

5. Annie Wilkes (Kathy Bates, Misery)

6. Anton Chigurh (Javier Bardem, No Country for Old Men)

7. Popeye Doyle (Gene Hackman, The French Connection)

8. John Coffey (Michael Clarke Duncan, The Green Mile)

9. Marge Gunderson (Frances McDormand, Fargo)

10. Hans Gruber (Alan Rickman, Die Hard)

Yes, I admit I cheated and included characters from a mini-series or two, and I also didn't count no-brainers like James Bond, Indiana Jones, Michael Corleone, Hannibal Lecter, Scarlett O'Hara, Rick Blaine, Norman Bates, Superman, Forrest Gump, Nurse Ratched, Darth Vader, Marty McFly, Ferris Bueller, Harry Callahan, Tony Soprano, Rocky Balboa, etc., etc.

Second question--and the real reason for the title of this post: Who do you think are the most memorable movie characters in a minor or incidental role? In other words, not one of the main characters? (Think Ronny Howard in The Music Man or Joe Pesci in Goodfellas.) I think some of these folks not only steal scenes; the steal the show.

Here, for what it's worth, are my choices: 

1. C.W. Moss (Michael J. Pollard, Bonnie and Clyde)

2. Vizzini (Wallace Shawn, The Princess Bride)

3. Private Hudson (Bill Paxton, Aliens)

4. Belle Rosen (Shelley Winters, The Poseidon Adventure)

5. The Wicked Witch (Margaret Hamilton, The Wizard of Oz)

6. Pea Eye Parker (Timothy Scott, Lonesome Dove)

7. Crewman #6 (Sam Rockwell, Galaxy Quest) 

8. Pop Fisher (Wilford Brimley, The Natural)

9. Percy Wetmore (Doug Hutchison, The Green Mile)

10. Lyle (Burton Gilliam, Blazing Saddles)

11. Johnny Henshaw (Stephen Stucker, Airplane!)

12. The Stranger (Sam Elliott, The Big Lebowski)

13. Clifford Worley (Dennis Hopper, True Romance)

14. Customer in diner (Estelle Reiner, When Harry Met Sally)

15. The Governor (Charles Durning, The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas)

16. Short Round (Ke Huy Kwan, Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom)

17. Old-timer in saloon (Pat Buttram, Back to the Future III)

18. Dusty Davis (Philip Seymour Hoffman, Twister)

19. The Black Knight (John Cleese, Monty Python and the Holy Grail)

20. Captain Koons (Christopher Walken, Pulp Fiction)

21. Cabbie (Ernest Borgnine, Escape from New York) 

22. Diner waitress (Margaret Bowman, Hell or High Water)

23. Dr. Ray Reddy (M. Night Shyamalan, Signs)

24. Oda Mae Brown (Whoopi Goldberg, Ghost)

25. Beatrice (Siobhan Fallon Hogan, Men in Black) 

If you like trivia, and if you're really bored . . . which of the above 25 minor characters said the following? 

"All right, Hobbs, knock the cover off the ball."

"How 'bout some more beans, Mr. Taggart?"

"I'll get you, my pretty--and your little dog too."

"It's coming! It's headed right for us!"

"Ooooo, I love to dance a little sidestep . . ."

"Little man, I give the watch to you."

"Dirt in the fuel line--Just blowed it away."

"Docta Jones! Docta Jones! No more parachutes!"

"You been declared competent, son. Know what that means? It means you gonna ride the lightnin'."

"Hey, Snake--You don't wanta be walkin' around down there."

"It's only a scratch."

"Game over, man. Game over!"

"If you don't go out there, everybody everywhere will say, 'Clint Eastwood is the biggest yellow-belly in the West.'"

"Molly? You in danger, girl."

"Yeah, he asked me for some water. Sugar water."

"I been workin' here 44 years. Ain't nobody ever ordered nothin' but T-bone steak and a baked potato."

"My lord. Old Deets is gone. My lord."

"Don't open my pantry, Father. I found one of them in there and I locked him in."

"Oh, it's a big pretty white plane with red stripes."

"I changed my mind. I wanta go back."

"So you're a Sicilian, huh?"

"You see, Mr. Scott? In the water I'm a very skinny woman."

"The Dude abides."

"Incontheivable!"

"I'll have what she's having."

Before we stop this silliness, here are some runners-up:

Jeff Spicoli (Sean Penn, Fast Times at Ridgemont High)

Dot (Frances McDormand, Raising Arizona)

Santanico Pandemonium (Salma Hayek, From Dusk till Dawn)

Mr. Blonde (Michael Madsen, Reservoir Dogs)

Principal Ed Rooney (Jeffrey Jones, Ferris Bueller's Day Off)

Now, once again--What are your choices for most memorable movie characters, major and minor? Do you agree with me on any of the above? Have you created these kinds of unforgettable characters in your own fiction? 

In my case . . . well, I wish.

 

The Case of the Silent Fan

My young nephew recently landed the job of his dreams after a two-year stint in the NBC Page program. The job seems perfect for him. As long I can remember, he’s been obsessed with movies and screenwriting. Now he’s working in the industry. Hearing his dad talk about his son’s new gig reminded me of one of my first job interviews, which unwittingly touched upon our beloved genre.

Not my nephew.

Cue dream sequence music and SFX.

Doodly-do, doodly-do…

I am fresh out of college, living back at my parents’ home in New Jersey, and scouring want ads in the New York Times.

Oh—here’s one! A major publisher is looking for editorial assistants. This is not a surprise to me. I have a degree in journalism, but I am deeply uninterested in writing for newspapers. (Newflash: this is the 1980s, folks. Newspapers still exist.) In the fields of magazine journalism and book publishing, being someone’s editorial assistant is how one breaks into these two specialized fields. I am prepared to editorially assist the heck out of anyone who will have me.

I phone the number in the newspaper. Somewhere in the Big Town, the phone rings. The person asks a few questions, and instructs me to bring my résumé and my sunny disposition to 175 Fifth Avenue on the appointed day and hour.

Wowza! I have a job interview!

I ride the bus from the Jersey side to the Port Authority bus terminal. I walk 20 blocks south because I know nothing of city buses or subways. It’s summer, so my button-down shirt and blazer are probably soaked by the time I get there. But this is a dream sequence, so I arrive looking pristine. Even my résumé is perspiration-free.

Reasonable facsimile of Joe upon arrival
at job interview.

I am standing in front of the famous Flatiron Building. I may have heard of it in my reading but this is the first time I have ever been there. The human resources person chats me up, asks about my majors in school, and then tells me she would like to introduce me to the book editor who will be needing an editorial assistant very, very shortly.

She mentions the editor’s name, but I am a) nervous/anxious/self-conscious beyond belief, and b) hearing impaired, and wear gigantic hearing aids that I am sure astronauts can spot from space. It is quite possible I did not wear the hearing aids today because, well, see a) above.

The editor’s name goes in one ear and out the other. Vaguely, the name sounds like Jon-Kon, which may have been a character in the Star Wars franchise. The human resources woman and I ride the steam-driven elevator to another floor, while she tells me that this particular editor is quite special.
Because she has her own imprint.

I am a twenty-one-year-old college graduate and I am an idiot, which the remainder of this discussion will fail to disprove. I don’t know from imprints. I don’t know what they are or why I need to know this word.

For 15 of the last 21 years I have been busy doing homework, sleeping, watching TV, and reading. Books, baby, books! That’s me. I don’t know from stinkin’ imprints.

Minutes later, I am sitting in the tiny office of a small woman with short-cropped hair and wide, smiley eyes.

“Editing is the easy part,” she tells me after a bit. “If you were an English major, this will come easy. But contracts? That’s where the young people go wrong. Can you add and subtract?”

Yes, absolutely, I tell her.

“Can you type a sentence word-for-word that is right there in front of you on the desk?”

Yes, of course, I tell her.

“See? That’s all that’s necessary. Now...authors. Most are very nice. Very interesting. But a few are... difficult. Here are some of the books we edit here…”

She went rooting on the shelf behind her. One by one, she passed the books to me. I glanced, I boggled, and I placed them on a stack on the desk in front of me.

Nervously.

Because, you see, they were all, every one of them, mysteries.

As it happened, I read mysteries. Lots. In fact, you might say that sitting on my duff reading mysteries was the only skill I had acquired in my young life.

The editor was glad to make my acquaintance. She wanted me to meet the young person who was leaving her post, so that I could understand what the job entailed. If I got the job, I would be reading slush piles, recommending books I liked to Jon-Kon, dealing with her correspondence, typing up contracts, seeing that packages got from her to literary agents and vice versa.

And once in a while, if I had the aptitude for it and the desire, I might be permitted to acquire the books I liked and carry them from manuscript to finished book. With Jon-Kon’s assistance and supervision, of course.

The outgoing editorial assistant repeated much of what her employer had said. And yes, she said, she had in fact acquired and edited some books on her own. It wasn’t hard, but it wasn’t really her cup of tea.

“Why are you leaving?” I asked.

“Oh—I got another job,” she said. “Across the street. See that bank down there? Right there. It pays better.”

(The editorial assistant salary was $12,000, about $36,000 today.)

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. This woman, who was only a few years older than me, was leaving what I imagined was a dream job to work at a bank rather than acquire and edit the work of mystery writers? What the living heck?

I had so much more to learn about the world.

The editorial assistant asked if I had any other questions. I didn’t. I bid her and Jon-Kon goodbye.
That was it. I went downstairs and told the human resources person that this truly seemed like a dream job. I said little more.

She said she would be in touch.

Of course, she was not. Not ever.

What do they tell kids fresh out of college? They have to be persistent. They must be go-getters! Two things no one would ever say of me. And yet, for several days in a row, I phoned their office and tried to persist and go-get as best I could, to no avail. With each call, I must have seemed more desperate. 

Because by then I had glanced at some of the hardcover books in my meager collection and spotted a curious thing printed at the bottom of those spines or else on the back.

A Joan Kahn Book.

Depending on who is relating the history, Ms. Kahn may have been the first editor to have her own imprint. Her name on the cover of the books she edited—by Dick Francis, Tony Hillerman, Patricia Highsmith, and so on—signaled to readers who had never heard of this particular author that they were nevertheless in for a good time.

In her remarkable career, which stretched from 1946 to 1989, Ms. Kahn collected two awards from the Mystery Writers of America, the Ellery Queen Award for editing, and upon retirement a special Edgar to recognize her incredible contribution to the genre. She died in 1994 at age 80.

In my memory, she lives on as the person who asked so brightly on the day of my greatest mistake if I could add and subtract.

What was my mistake, you ask?

Perhaps you have guessed it.

I’ll give you a moment to mull it over. You have all the facts. I have laid them before you as best I could, omitting nothing. A foolish kid walks into a job interview, realizes that this represents his fondest wish—to work in the world of mystery fiction—and what does he say?

To the human resources woman? To the outgoing editorial assistant? To the great Jon-Kon herself?

Does he utter a single thing about his interest, nay, obsession with mysteries? Does he mention his favorite authors? Does he reference his subscriptions to the digest magazines? His growing stack of Armchair Detectives? The beat-up first edition of a Philo Vance hardcover that he found at a flea market that still has an intact oh-so-cool foldout map of the murder scene?

Nope.

Not a peep. Not a word. I entered their offices as a complete zero and exited shortly after without raising that number a whit.

That’s why, strangely, at this time of year, when students are about to collect their parchments in droves and head out into the world to seek their fortunes, my only real advice for them is drawn from a movie I watch every Christmas, The Family Stone.

In it, Luke Wilson consoles his brother’s uptight girlfriend, played by Sarah Jessica Parker. He wishes she would learn to make peace with her quirky self and not try to be so perfect, so appropriate, all the time.

“Here’s the thing, Meredith,” he tells her. “You have a freak flag. You just don’t fly it.”

Even if you’re young, you’ve earned that flag. Most of us have. It’s the thing that makes you you. Flying it is letting the world know who you are.

And yeah, I know that a job interview is probably one of the last places to let one’s fandom leak out. But geez, when a stranger announces to you that their greatest delight in the world is digging into a nice, juicy murder, read the room and unfurl the colors, you sweet, beautiful nerd.

* * * 

See you in three weeks!

Joe

josephdagnese.com

What do NBC Pages actually do? Watch Joe’s nephew and find out.

Avignon and All That

"During a January closed-door meeting at the Pentagon, a Trump administration official reportedly warned a Vatican ambassador that America had the military power to do whatever it wants in the world, and that the Catholic Church had better take its side.
While the sourcing is limited, the American government confirms the meeting happened (if not the wording used) and Christopher Hale confirms that “some Vatican officials were so alarmed by the Pentagon’s tactics that they shelved plans for Pope Leo XIV to visit the United States later this year [for the celebration of America’s 250th].” All of which certainly puts the Pope's comments against American violence in Iran in a different light.
But what’s getting a ton of attention is both the worst sourced, and most intriguing, piece: that an American official in that meeting invoked the Avignon Papacy." (LINK)

Why does that matter? Well, bringing up the Avignon Papacy to a Pope – any Pope – is pretty much a direct threat.

Back in the High Middle Ages, before the Calamitous 14th Century (and thank you, Barbara Tuchman, for one of the greatest histories ever written), i.e., the 1300s, there was only one official church in all of Western Europe, the Church, catholic and Catholic. Everyone was born into it, and it was integral to everything. The Church told you what was right and what was wrong, how to get to heaven, how to love your fellow man, how you should work, how you should live, how you should treat each other. All the social services that government and various non-profit organizations do today were then done by the church and the (often forced) largesse of the wealthy: welfare to widows and orphans, hospitals, asylums, orphanages, schools, etc.

The Church was like breathing, it was all around you. And that was fine with most people. The High Middle Ages, from 950 to 1300, has been called the Great Age of Faith. Cathedrals were built. Crusades were fought. And it helped that it was what's known as the Medieval Warm Period, a/k/a the Climatic Optimum: perfect weather, good harvests, often great harvests, fat bellies...

And then it all went to hell in a handcart, thanks to the Hundred Years' War (between England and France), the Black Death (where a third of the world OR MORE died, and that was just the first go-round), and the Avignon Papacy (a/k/a the Babylonian Capitivity of the Church) and the Great Schism. These three things shattered everything.

AVIGNON AND WHAT CAME NEXT

The papal palace in Avignon

Jean-Marc Rosier from http://www.rosier.pro

So let's start off with a problematic Pope, Pope Boniface VIII (r. 1294-1303): He was from the Gaetani family, wealthy Italian nobility. (Back then, it was pretty normal for a Pope to be elected from among wealthy Italian families and would be so for a very long time.) And it had been expected that he'd be elected to the papacy, but it didn't happen.

Instead, a monk named Pietro Angelerio, a hermit monk was elected by a fluke of frustrated cardinals (who were tired of wealthy noble Italian families running everything, and this was way before the Borgias). Pope Celestine was extremely holy, and wept when he was dragged from his cell to Rome. He was easily persuaded to resign a few months later, probably by Boniface, who was immediately elected Pope.

NOTE: Celestine had been promised he could return to his hermitage, but instead Boniface had Celestine arrested and imprisoned until he died.

Pope Boniface accomplished a lot, including the Regulae Iuris, a collection of legal principles, which is still used as a source for deciding matters of canon law. But his most infamous achievement was the papal bull Unam Sanctam – which declared the pope's jurisdiction over both temporal and spiritual powers: "We declare, announce and define that it is altogether necessary to salvation that every human creature be subject to the Roman pontiff."

This wasn't new: it was pretty much believed throughout Western Europe. Not in Eastern Europe, where the Orthodox Church still considered the Bishop of Rome as just another Patriarch among many. The Catholic/Orthodox schism over papal authority goes back a very long way...

The King of France was Philip IV a/k/a "the Fair" (apparently he was handsome), and did his best to expand French lands. He spent a lot of time at war with England, also with Spain, Flanders, etc., while setting up an alliance with Scotland (the "auld alliance" began with him), conquered Flanders, and made contact with the Mongols with the idea of future military alliances. The trouble is, all that cost money. He was always scrambling for money, and got it a variety of ways, such as arresting bankers and seizing their money.

(Later, under the next Pope, Philip IV pitched a huge fight with the Knights Templar, who had financed most of his war with England, and sent troops to arrest all the Templars in France, accusing them of sacrilige, idolatry, homosexuality, financial corruption, fraud, and secrecy. And seized all their large assets…)

But then Philip IV levied taxes on the French clergy of one-half their annual income. Neither the Church nor the papacy would put up with that... Pope Boniface VIII issued the bull Clericos Laicos, forbidding the transference of any church property to the French Crown.

So between the two bulls, Philip IV of France saw a threat, and held a little assembly of his own in Paris in April 1302. Nobles, burgesses and clergy met to denounce the Pope and pass around a crude forgery*, Deum Time ("Fear God"), in which Boniface supposedly claimed feudal suzerainty over France, an "unheard-of assertion". Boniface denied the document and its claims, but – insanely – reminded Phillip that previous popes had deposed three French kings. (Also a few English ones, including John Lackland.)

*I know, you thought social media and fake news were modern, right?

And that ticked Philip IV off enough to call for a council to depose Boniface on charges of heresy, blasphemy, murder, sodomy, simony, and sorcery. Boniface prepared to excommunicate Philip, and in order to stop him, Philip hired some thugs who attacked Boniface and imprisoned him for three days without food or water. Boniface was rescued by a group of Italian nobles, but the pope died of his treatment within a month.

Depiction of the death of Boniface in a
15th-century manuscript of Boccaccio's De Casibus

Pope Clement V (r. 1305-1314)

With Boniface's death, King Philip IV promptly bribed the college of cardinals, and Boniface's successor was a Frenchman who revoked Unam Sanctam. And in 1309 King Philip IV moved Clement and the papacy to Avignon, France. Clement brought with him all the French cardinals, papal bureaucracy, etc. In exchange, Philip promised him protection from anything like what happened to poor Boniface.

And there the papacy stayed, at Avignon until 1377, a period that's known as the Babylonian Captivity of the Church.

In case you're wondering, this was a disaster for the Church, because the church expenses skyrocketed. Why? Well, they're in France, and the papal states are in Italy, and the papal states are where a lot of the papal wealth comes from. And the money isn't flowing regularly, so papal taxes went up even more. And, since the pope and his court were in France, and dependent on French support, they rubber-stamped all of the French king's policies and decisions. Especially since, of the 134 cardinals that were created during these 70 years, 113 of them are French.

But it really helped French royalty. A nice, tame Church that could pretty much be controlled…

Gennadii Saus i Segura

A map of Rome, showing an allegorical figure of Rome
as a widow in black mourning the Avignon Papacy

But that's medieval history - why does it matter that someone brought that up to today's representative for the Pope?

The big deal is that the Avignon Papacy began with a king sending a bunch of thugs to capture the Pope, and then setting up his own pope on his own land and controlling the church for 70 years.

Anyone in the Vatican would, and probably did, see "mentioning" it as a threat.

BTW, back in the day, things got worse. Eventually a pope returned to Rome, but instead of things getting back to normal, the French contingent elected yet another Pope in Avignon. So now there were two Popes, one in Avignon, one in France, each excommunicating the other, and all of the others' followers...  Eventually there were three popes...  Briefly... But that's another story, for another time.

Got Any Duck Food?

Last week I was complaining on Facebook about a number of small issues, the kind of annoyances that are sometimes called first world problems.

Example:
The company that services our furnace had called and said we were about due and would tomorrow be convenient?  We said it would be and set up an appointment for between 10 and noon.

I cleared the space around the furnace and we made sure to be home at the scheduled time.  At 12:30 we gave up and called the company. The clerk said she had no record of an appointment.  (Let me remind you: they had called us.)  She apologized and we set up an appointment for the 16^th.

An hour later I received an email from them confirming our appointment – for the 13^th. Right time, wrong day.

And that was how our week had gone, one stupid little annoyance after another, mostly involving companies who couldn't keep their own records straight.

I acknowledged that none of these were big problems but together they felt like being nibbled to death by ducks.

Someone wrote back delighted by the phrase and I wondered if it was possible they had not heard it before. And that got me wondering: where does it come from?

Which sent me to the Ngram Viewer. I have written about this tool before which lets you harness the power of the millions of publications scanned by Google to trace the use of a word or phrase.

The earliest reference it pulled up was from an 1813 book of proverbs: "One had as good be nibbled to death, or pecked to death by a hen."  They offer no explanation but it appears to mean that one stupid fate is as bad as another.

Two ducks.  See them both?

(On the same page the author helpfully explains that "to dine with Sir Humphrey" means to go without your dinner.  Glad we got that cleared up.)

Actually, the Viewer also pulled up a comic song from 1810 which says that if a person misbehaves with women "sic a fellow desarves to be nibbled to death by ducks, as the worm said to the fisherman."

In 1865 Thomas Mozley wrote that sitting through sermons in his childhood had given him the fidgets, which felt  like "being nibbled to death by ducks, or scraped to death with oyster shells."

In 1868 Charles Sturgeon wrote a pamphlet warning trade unionists that the government was treating them like a man who tickled his rich wives to death and said that if they follow along "you will deserve not only to be tickled to death but nibbled to death by ducks."

I finally found what was clearly the correct meaning (which is to say, mine) in an engineering magazine in 1874. The writer complained of "the old, old story:" a great man with a great idea nibbled to death by ducks.

Let's jump to modern times. Laura McCullough wrote a delightful article about the life of an academic administrator. She bought a box of 100 little rubber ducks and every time her work was interrupted she moved a duck from one box to another.  It made both her and the interrupters aware of some of the obstacles to her productivity. 

My faculty took it very well and joined in with the exercise in a playful spirit. One professor brought in a nice wicker basket for the ducks to live in at the start of their day. Her children decorated my “nibbled” box with pictures of ducks and the word “nibble” scribbled all over it.

And speaking of productivity, now that I have my (ahem) ducks in a row, I'm going to write some fiction.

But one more thing: if you don't understand the title, see this.

Another Round

 

Today marks a milestone in my writing journey. It is Publication Day for The Firefall, the third book in my Johnson and Nance series. As with the first two books, I’m over the moon. For much of my writing life, I wondered if I’d ever have a book published. And today, number three drops.

                The happy coincidence of my regular blog rotation occurring on publication day got me wondering about what I might write to mark the event. I knew what I wanted to say-- Buy my book! Buy my book! --but in a subtle, more indirect way.

                When responding to a short story call, I sometimes type the key words into my search engine and follow random threads. I’ll search for these internet Easter eggs until I land on something that strikes my fancy.

                I tried it. I entered “new book thoughts” into my computer. The search engine processed the request. She knew that I was searching for books on “new thought.” I got long lists of books about positive thinking and envisioning success. I promptly exited. I was positive—I’d had a good day. And I was positive I didn’t want to talk about other people’s books. I wanted to talk about mine.

                Typing in the words, “starting a new book,” led me to YouTube videos about writing books, ads for publishing houses happy to make my book a reality for a small fee, and writer’s software packages to make novel-writing a veritable breeze, complete with a sliding bar to chart my incredible progress.

                Finally, I entered “advice for writing a book.” Various websites broke the mysterious process of novel creation into manageable steps. The number of bite-sized steps varied wildly. One expert chose seven, another twenty-three, and a third settled on thirty-one. The secret sauce for writing, I determined, lay buried in some obscure prime number. That whole search had a Dan Brownesque feel to it. I abandoned it in three steps: point cursor, click, exit.

                I gave up. My reliable technique for shorts failed me. I began to wonder if I’d have anything to say. (Readers may be wondering too at this point.) Fear crept in.

                The Nigerian American writer Uzodinma Iweala said that, “Anybody who tells you they’re not scared when starting a new book project is a very good liar.”

                Perhaps that’s what best describes my emotion today. I have a giant, joyous, celebratory fear. I worry that people may not like The Firefall. I worry that the publisher may lose interest. If they ask for more, I worry that I won’t be able to find something to say. And I love having a book out there in the world that generates all these worries.  

                To combat the fear, I’ve taken the advice of Terry Pratchett. My sons and Rob Lopresti both nudged me to read some of his Discworld books. Pratchett once said that the only writing superstition he had was that he “must start a new book on the same day that I finish the last one, even if it’s just a few notes in a file. I dread not having work in progress.”

                And so, I do. The best way to combat the fears that creep into a void is to avoid the void. I’ll spend a little time today typing on the next book in the series.

                I also take heart from something I read in the foreword to Of Mice and Men. In his journal, Steinbeck wrote:

                “It is strange how this goes on. The struggle to get started. Terrible. It always happens…I am afraid. Among other things I feel that I have put some things over. That the little success of mine is cheating.”

                If a Nobel Laureate can be plagued by bouts of self-doubt, I think it’s okay for the rest of us too. I’ll type something, just to prove I can.  

                And celebrate The Firefall. I’ll spend a little time doing that too.

 *****

                It’s been a good month for writing. Besides the novel, my short story, "Masterpiece," is a finalist for a Derringer Award. That’s an excuse for another round.

 

                Until next time.