My newest short story was published yesterday in the anthology Agatha and Derringer Get Cozy: Thirteen Tales of Murder, Mystery, and Master Detection. The book’s cozy mysteries are all written by winners of the Agatha and/or Derringer awards. My story is “The Postman Always Flirts Twice.”
You may be wondering about the title. Maybe you’re guessing that since The Postman Always Rings Twice was noir, for my cozy mystery, I decided to change Rings to Flirts because Flirts sounds cozy. To that I say ... buzz! (Think of the buzzer sound when a contestant gets something wrong on a game show.) I used the word Flirts because it makes for a much catchier title than The Postman Pressured Me Into a Date.
Say what?
To steal from Sophia on The Golden Girls:
Picture it. Indiana. Summer 1994.I had my first full-time job as a newspaper reporter. My apartment complex had all the tenants’ mailboxes in one spot near the complex entrance, along with two newspaper boxes, one for each of the two—two!—dailies that small city had back then.
One day I stopped to get my mail while the postman was finishing filling the mailboxes. He started to chat. I’ve never been a fan of small talk, but I participated for a minute or two. The social niceties, you know. Then he glanced at the mail in my hand.
“I know your name from somewhere,” he said.
Wondering if I was being punked, I said, “Yeah, from the mail.” And I pointed at the envelopes in my other hand.
So I nodded at one of the newspaper boxes. “I’m a reporter. You probably saw my name in the paper.” Back then, before everything was online, a lot more people read newspapers—on actual paper.
“No. That’s not it.”
I shrugged. “Well, those are the only ways I think you’d have heard my name. See ya.”
As I turned to go, he said, “Would you like to have dinner sometime?”
I offered him an uncomfortable smile. “Thanks, but I don’t think so.”
“Aw, come on. You gotta eat.”
That was true. But I didn’t have to eat with him. I shook my head.
“You sure? It’s just one dinner.”
Maybe it was his tone. Maybe it was my imagination. But I suddenly thought, if I don’t go on this date, I may never get my mail again. I was in my midtwenties, nowhere near as assertive as I am now. And back then, all your bills came in the mail. I needed my mail. So, reluctantly, I said yes. We agreed to meet the next evening at that hot spot of romance, Denny’s.
All of you who love meet-cutes are probably thinking the dinner must have been wonderful. Sparkling conversation, love in the air, the beginning of happily ever after.
Dream on.
The conversation was forgettable. The food was … Denny’s. And the only future I was looking forward to was getting home.
As the meal wound down, he said, “What would you like to do now?”
It wasn’t even 8 p.m., but I yawned and said I was going to have to call it a night. I had to get to work early the next morning. You’d think my meaning was clear. Subtle but clear. Not interested. And maybe it was, but he was determined to go out swinging.
“How about if I come back to your place and give you a massage?”
I may have wanted my mail, but I didn’t want it that badly.
I thanked him for my burger, went home—alone!—and called my best friend to fill him in on the date. When I got to the bit about the massage, his outraged voice boomed through the line. “If that isn’t a sex invite, I don’t know what is!”
In the end, I never heard from my mailman again, thankfully, and my mail kept coming. Now, all these years later, I put the experience to good use in “The Postman Always Flirts Twice.” If you read it, you’ll recognize some of the details. It’s a whodunit about love, family, and friendship. Someone murdered Hazel’s mailman and hid his body in the woods behind her cul-de-sac. Desperate to point the cops in another direction so they don’t discover her secret, Hazel starts her own investigation—focusing on her neighbors.
Who killed the mailman? What’s Hazel’s secret? You have to read the story to find out.
Agatha and Derringer Get Cozy also has stories by fellow SleuthSlayers John Floyd and Robert Lopresti and SleuthSayers alum Art Taylor. The other ten authors with cozy stories in the book are Tara Laskowski, BV Lawson, Kris Neri, Alan Orloff, Josh Pachter, Stephen D. Rogers, Shawn Reilly Simmons, Marcia Talley, and Stacy Woodson. The book was edited by Gay Toltl Kinman and Andrew McAleer and published by Down & Out Books in trade paperback and ebook. I am including links to the book at the end.
So, if you’re wondering if it’s a good idea to mine your past for story ideas, yes, it is. If you’re wondering if I killed my mailman, no, I did not.
With the caveat that I write fiction, that is my story, and I’m sticking to it.
In addition to purchasing Agatha and Derringer Get Cozy from your favorite indie bookstore, you can buy it from:
Oh, the persistent would-be suitor - we have all experienced that, and it is really creepy... Glad you didn't have to hit him with a hammer or anything. I look forward to the story!
ReplyDeleteGlad I didn't have to complain to the postmaster that my mail wasn't coming. Hope you enjoy the story and the whole book.
DeleteYour persistent postman's conversation reminds me of Bluto/Brutus hitting on Olive Oyl… and Olive wasn't the oily one.
ReplyDeleteAs usual, your story sounds intriguing. I read The Postman long ago and vaguely recall the plot line.
[BTW, picture a postman in rural Indiana… Our real-life mailman was a magician. Riley could steer and brake from the passenger seat… I still can't fathom how he managed that trick. During winter, Mom occasionally left a thermos of hot tea or coffee in the mailbox, and perhaps cookies. During summer, she sometimes set out their iced drink equivalents. No flirting, though– both were married. Different people, different outcome.]
I wonder if your mailman was a stuntman in another life, Leigh. Back where I grew up in NY, we had one regular mailman, Charlie, all the years I grew up. He was a nice man, walked his route--must have been miles--every day.
DeleteTerrifying story, Barb. And I don't mean the one in the anthology.
ReplyDeleteYep. But it could have turned out much worse. I guess that is consolation.
DeleteGreat writeup. The Postman Always Rings Twice is inspired by The Ruth Snyder Case. Been writing a book that myself.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Justin. And good luck with your book!
DeleteSounds like a great story in a great anthology.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Kathleen. Good to hear from you.
DeleteNothing says romance like Denny's and a creepy massage offer. Return to sender! Congratulations on the publication!
ReplyDeleteIndeed. It's a wonder I didn't fall for him head over heels. Thanks for stopping by, Kathleen.
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