Nobody Knows the Trouble I've Seen . . .

by John M. Floyd

Pet peeve: a minor annoyance that an individual identifies as particularly annoying to himself, to a greater degree than others may find it. (Wikipedia)

All editors, publishers, and agents have pet peeves. When we're lucky, we as writers find out about these things somewhere along the way, and try to avoid using or causing them. When we're unlucky, we don't find out, and in that case they almost certainly contribute to the some of the rejections we receive when we submit manuscripts to these mysteriously aggravated editors/publishers/agents.

When I began writing today's column, I intended to stick to those things that annoy these editorial decision-makers--this is, after all, a blog about writing--but the more I thought about it I decided I wanted to talk about more than just that. Although I am indeed a writer, my own pet peeves extend to other areas of my life as well: things that I read, see, and hear, every day of the world.

Here are a few that make me grind my teeth: 

The spoken word

- People who constantly say "You know what I'm saying." You know what I'm saying?

- People who talk during a movie. I can't think of a better use for stun guns.

- The overuse of "awesome." The Grand Canyon is awesome. The Twilight series isn't.

- The overuse of "amazing." Be honest. Unless you're Lois Lane, your boyfriend is NOT amazing.

- The overuse of "all about." I heard a politician on TV the other night say he was all about the economy. Arrrgh.

- The misuse of "like." She was like, "Seriously?" And I was like, "Totally."

- Air quotes. Okay, bub, put those fingers away unless you intend to use them.

- Using certain nouns as verbs (let's meet and fellowship, I'll gift my wife with flowers, we should dialogue about that). Don't do this.

- Our players always deliver 110%. Gosh--I wasn't even aware that one could deliver more than 100%.

- The mispronunciation of "short-lived." The "lived" should have a long i, as in "arrive"--not a short i, as in "give." The storm was short-lived because it had a short life, not a short lif.

- People who talk on cell phones in waiting rooms, restaurants, checkout lines, etc. Enough said.

- The incorrect use of "I" instead of "me." This really bugs my editor and I.

Everyday life

- Drug ads on TV that list a hundred terrifying side effects. After listening, why would anyone take these medications? For that matter, if your doctor is competent, why should you have to tell him what he should prescribe to treat your condition?

- "Teasers" during otherwise professional news broadcasts. Coming up after the break, on Nightly News: You won't believe what Miley does in this next video . . .

- People who are rude to waitresses. Guess what you're getting on your salad today, sir.

- Telemarketers. If I ever meet them in person, Heaven help Rachel at Cardmember Services and William at Great Vacations.

- Tennis players who grunt every time they hit the ball. I once heard this from the other room and thought Planet of the Apes was on. The MUTE button helps, but still.

- People who park their cars across two spaces. I've heard the cure is to park two cars alongside the space-hog, leaving him about an inch of clearance on both sides.

- People who bend their arms high and pump them furiously back and forth when they walk. This might be good exercise, but one should try to maintain at least some measure of dignity in life.

- Too much perfume. Get back, get back--give him some air!

- People who can't stop checking/playing with their cell phones. Hey, remember me? I'm sitting right here. (I heard last night on NPR that this is called "phunning"--shunning others with your phone.)

- Movie sequels. Let's face it: Terminator 2, Star Trek II, Aliens, The Dark Knight, The Road Warrior, and The Godfather: Part II were the only ones that were better than their predecessors.

- Black shoelaces on black sneakers. They're hard to see when you try to tie your shoes.

- Not enough legroom in cars, theatres, airplanes, etc. Not everyone is average height.

- Cashiers who give you your change with the coins on top of the bills. How many times have you spilled everything while trying to put it into your purse or wallet?

The writing life

- Its vs. it's. This one just isn't that hard--and editors expect you to know the difference.

- Possessive vs. plural. If your characters are Mr. and Mrs. Baker, the name on their mailbox should say THE BAKERS, not THE BAKER'S. Even though the mailbox belongs to a Baker.

- People who turn down the corner of a page as a bookmark. Don't make me come over there and throw you out of the library . . .

- The overuse of exclamation points!

- Misplaced modifiers. We make combs for people with unbreakable teeth.

- Your vs. you're. Good grief.

- The incorrect punctuation of "y'all." We who live in the south see this a lot.

- Readers who sneak a look at the ending of a story or book. Yes, I'm told these people do exist.

- Dumb-looking photos/illustrations of hunky guys on the covers of romance novels. See above: Even we authors should strive for some level of dignity.

- People who say, "You know, I'd write a book, if only I had the time." Right.

- The misuse of "ironically" and "literally." It's not ironic that your character was late for a meeting because she ran into a pothole, unless the meeting was about highway improvements. And the mishap did not--unless the pavement caved in on top of her--literally put her between a rock and a hard place.

- The overuse of adjectives. He drove his old blue rusted-out pickup truck down the hot, dry, rough, dusty road.

- The overuse of adverbs. He stomped heavily on the brake, slowly cranked the window down, stared blearily at the patrolman, and finally said, "I'm disgustingly drunk."

- Too-long bios. Authors who put the longest bios on their book jackets (and in their query/cover letters) always seem to be the ones who have accomplished the least.

- The overuse of substitutes for "said." "Why?" he queried. "Why not?" she retorted. "Because," he declared. "Okay," she agreed.

- Blog columns that talk about pet peeves. I mean, really, who cares?

Nonexistent aggravations

Oddly enough, some of the things that seem to run other people crazy don't bother me:

- Babies who cry in public places. No worries. It's one of those things I can just tune out.

- Shortened words: tote, limo, tux, fax, mayo, etc. Why not?

- Squeaky, unoiled chains on a porch swing. I think the sound is kind of rhythmic and soothing.

- Allowing food on one side of your plate to get mixed up with food on the other side. So what? It's all going to get mixed up soon anyhow.

- People who go around whistling or singing all the time. I believe we could use more of that kind of thing.

- Watching a ballgame on TV without sound. Who needs an announcer to tell you what just happened on the field?

- Combined but unhyphenated words: handpicked, superheated, cardplayer, smartphone, doublewide, etc. Again, why not?

- Comma splices, split infinitives, sentence fragments, etc. To use these is to boldly go where my English prof wouldn't--but in fiction, I love 'em.

- Overuse of movie quotes. To me, it's hard to overuse anything involving movies.

Okay, that's it. Literally. Ya'll know what I'm saying?

Its ironic, but now I'm like, "What are YOU'RE pet peeves?"